


Gilded Vows

by starry19



Category: The Americans (TV 2013)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-15
Updated: 2013-03-15
Packaged: 2017-12-05 09:17:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/721406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starry19/pseuds/starry19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Duty and Honor "As they lay in bed that night, he decided he hadn’t lied to her, not really. "</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gilded Vows

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at Americans fiction, so we’ll see how it goes.

**Gilded Vows**

 

As they lay in bed that night, he decided he hadn’t lied to her, not really. 

Sleeping with someone else was hardly a deal breaker for their marriage. In fact, he’d lost count of the times he had wished her luck in enticing another target into bed, watching her saunter out the door, knowing that someone else was going to have their hands on his wife before the sun came up. 

Granted, Irina was different. She hadn’t been part of the mission, at least not in that way. 

He wasn’t sure what she _had_ been, actually. He certainly wasn’t naive enough to think he still loved her. Despite his orders, he had fallen for his wife, and there simply wasn’t room in his heart for anyone else. 

Irina had been...a connection to his past. When he had been blinded by the glamor of his mission, the glory of the KGB, the thrill of first love.  

There would always be a lingering sort of possession there, but it truly didn’t mean anything. 

If he had to choose, it would be Elizabeth. 

He had been nakedly honest with her in that respect - it had _always_ been her, ever since they had been introduced that cold winter’s day in another life. 

There would never be a day where he would find himself tearing up _her_ picture, Mother Russia be damned. 

She curled deeper into his side, one leg draped over both of his, and he briefly tightened his embrace. 

Her request to have a real marriage had startled him.  

And touched him deep in his soul. 

She was so aloof sometimes, so devoted to her cause and blind to everything else, that to find her reaching out in such a way was almost unbelievable. 

But he wanted this. Wanted it so much that it took his breath away. 

Sometimes, however, it just seemed like there were so many insurmountable obstacles that he wondered if they were only kidding themselves. One proverbial step forward, fifteen proverbial steps back. 

They were going to have to fight, and fight hard. 

Which led him back to the reason he had kept his night with Irina to himself. No one would ever know, especially if Irina disappeared. It would just hurt Elizabeth, and he was willing to go to great lengths to avoid that, especially since she had willingly made herself to vulnerable to him. 

That was normally a characteristic she abhorred in anyone. 

Also, he thought he probably wanted their relationship to work more than he did.

Again, Irina didn’t matter. It wouldn’t happen again, not ever. 

If Moscow wanted to know what Elizabeth thought of him now, he tried to believe that her answer would be different than it used to be. _I told them you liked it here too much_.   

But.

That was before. 

He shook his head. 

There was something else taking up residence in the back of his mind, and it was something he was going to have to deal with sooner, rather than later. 

Irina’s claim that they had a child together. 

Would she have made it up simply to compel him to go with her? Or perhaps the boy belonged to her late husband. That was a likely explanation. 

Of course, he was going to need to know for sure. 

Should he involve Elizabeth? What would her reaction be to the news that he potentially had another child, conceived long before he ever knew her? 

He couldn’t possibly predict what she would think.  

But they had bigger issues at the moment - FBI agents living next door and moles inside the KGB. This issue would go on the back burner for now - but not for long. 

He kept coming back to the way Elizabeth’s voice had sounded when she’d called simply to say she missed him. It had been so sweet, so hopeful, that he had been utterly confused about how to respond, especially since there was another woman lying next to him. 

_Come home_ , she had said. 

And in that moment, he had wanted nothing more than to do just that. To walk in his front door, kiss his children goodnight, and wrap his wife in his arms. 

Instead, he had hung up the phone, nearly ashamed of himself, but not enough to banish Irina from his room. 

What they had together was a dream. It was the remnants of two idealistic young believers, convinced that their cause was and would always be the most important thing in their lives. 

But now, as he thought of Paige and Henry sleeping down the hall, looked at Elizabeth laying across him, he understood fully that there were more important things. Perhaps there would even be a day where he would choose his family above his cause. Just pack up and run. 

There were days when the very idea was shockingly appealing. 

No more lies, no more deceptions. Then again, he wasn’t sure he knew any other way to live. Falsehoods and half-truths were second nature to him now. 

The concept of getting up in the morning and going to an actual job where he just did actual work, _and that was it_ , was such a novel one that he chuckled slightly before he could stop himself.  

As quiet as the sound was, it woke Elizabeth, trained to sleep as lightly as a cat. 

Her drowsy eyes peered up him, wondering. “What are you still doing awake?” She propped herself up with an elbow on his chest. 

He smiled at her. “I think I have a lot on my mind, that’s all.” 

She frowned, considering, one hand pushing her hair out of her face. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.  

His grin widened. This was Elizabeth trying. “Not just yet,” he said. “Let me sort it out a little more in my head first.”  

Acknowledging his request with a small nod, she resumed her position against his chest, arms going around his waist. 

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, then forced himself to relax against the pillows. His hands could cover her narrow back almost entirely. 

The morning was going to come at its regular time, regardless of the hours he spent stewing over the mess in his head. Eyes closed now, he took a deep breath, then focused on counting Elizabeth’s heartbeats. 

They would be alright.

They would have to be. 

 

 


End file.
